Sitting here, I came to realize some things....
Recently, I've gone through a very difficult break up. Some would call it this or that, many ways to describe it. So I wondered, why has it tormented me the way it has? Because I loved someone who didn't love me.
And that's okay.
I realized that I loved someone, who didn't, maybe couldn't have loved me. Perhaps not because of something I did, said or who I was, but because they just didn't. How, and why did it bother me so bad? Because I still love that person. I don't know that if you truly love someone, you ever stop. That you can stop. I was angry, and hurt and bitter, but that was fueled by my misunderstanding. I didn't comprehend what I was feeling. There was hate, rage, disappointment, loss, cruelty and many other feelings, but why? Because I still loved her. Maybe I still do?
There was a few moments where her and I talked to eachother, and I was purely evil, hateful and mean. In the moment I meant everything I said. I've reflected on the things I said and how I felt at that time. Why did I feel that way and why did I say the things I said? Because I felt it, deep and harsh, but why? I still loved her.
I figured out that I had to have really strong feelings towards this person in order for me to feel the way I felt. I found my truth in it also. I had made a choice. I chose love. I chose to love and to accept love and that I would trust and confide in someone. I chose to let my guard down, to be vulnerable and to accept a person, their strength and weaknesses, their flaws and perfections. I chose to love someone fully and freely.
Maybe this sounds contrary? Maybe it doesn't make sense? Let me explain a little. I was at a point where I was in pain and not able to believe in people, not able to open up, not able to allow myself to feel. I was shut down and isolated emotionally. I decided to free myself and love someone. I got burnt. I got screwed over and betrayed. I know that much.
There was, however, a lesson. What I learned, beyond anything else was that it's okay to love. That it's okay to be vulnerable and to open yourself up to the possibility of love. Maybe you'll get hurt, maybe you'll be bullshitted, maybe you'll have your entire world up-ended and destroyed. Maybe nothing will work out right for you in the end. But if you love, truly and honestly and freely then you're braver than the people who hurt you. You're stronger than the people who take your love and toss it aside and you're better off for it. To know that you can love and feel love for someone else, even after being hurt. Then you've `````````````````````````felt something that you'll be better for in the long run. You'll know yourself better and understand that even if every time you love, you get hurt, you continue to give love a chance, that love is worth it.
So go love, love deeply, love honestly, love who you love, and love them with every shred of who you are. Every bit of your being. Know that if they fuck you over, if they hurt you, if they can't, don't, or won't love you back, then it's their loss. Not in that they've lost you, but that they lost out on feeling the most wonderful feeling they could have. So choose, choose love. Choose to be happy, choose to give your love. Choose to be open to the possibility of love and to be vulnerable. Give your love to those that you love, honestly and openly. DO it knowing that you're not foolish or stupid. Knowing that you'll be a better person even if it doesn't work out. Some people will never love you, maybe because they don't know how, maybe they can't choose to love, because of fear or because they don't know how. But if you have it in you to love then do it. Love fearlessly and altruistically. But most importantly LOVE!
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Sunday, February 18, 2018
Karma
Often I hear the statement "Instant Karma" I would like to illuminate to you why that statement is so absurd.
Karma does not happen instantly. good or bad it works the same in both directions. When good Karma comes and has it affects of your like it does not drop in like a nuclear weapon, one big loud crash and it's over, no. When negative Karma comes to collect the till it also is not the equivalent of a nuke, all the bad things do not happen all at once.
It's more like a carpet bomb effect when karma pays what you are owed. Numerous successive blasts hitting one right after another, after another.It doesn't do as much damage, this way. If karma comes as a carpet bomb does, there are things that are spared, If it comes down on you like an ICBM, then everything is destroyed and if everything has been destroyed, then there is no room to reflect, relearn and understand the causality of the karmic event. No lesson to be learned. Good or bad.
When someone thinks that it is karma which has come upon them, usually it's not. Karma is not just some random event making your life difficult. Karma gives the person exactly what they deserve, based on what they've done. With Karma, the punishment always, without exception fits the crime.The rewards are equal to the goodness you place into the world.
If you put good and wonderful things out into the world, you spread joy and love, hope and happiness, then that will be your karma and it will come back to you in time! The Same holds true for negative karma, if you spread hate, are injurious to the emotions of others, or are just mean, rude, offensive or are hurtful to others. Your Karma will based on those things. Many people cannot see the threads of what they've done and how they relate to the greater energies around them.
Karma begins within. We think our karma into existence. If you think good thoughts, those will translate into good actions and the karmic shift will be good towards you. Conversely, if you think negative, you will begin negative behavior and that will return to you.
Often our karma is returned to us by those we harm. It is not uncommon for those we wrong to wrong us in return. For those we hurt to hurt us in return. This is a form of karma too! To think that we can hurt people and that only some cosmic force will punish us for doing so is naive. Sometimes one has to be recompensed for our transgressions. Sometimes karma gives those we wrong the ability to show us what we've done, the harm and the hurt are repaid in kind. Often, I believe that this type of karma is far more harsh that the bad karma we have sent out. I also feel that this type of karmic shift comes with the greatest of lessons. We must learn that what we do has much larger impact than simply directly impacting our lives. Sometimes our behavior, our decisions which shift our karma in one direction or the other impact the greater world around us. Many times, a seemingly small decision will impact our familial relationships, our friendships and even the lives of people we don't even know. These are the major karmic shifts. These decisions, whether good or bad have far reaching consequences for good or bad.
Choose your thoughts and actions carefully, you never know what may come of them.
Karma does not happen instantly. good or bad it works the same in both directions. When good Karma comes and has it affects of your like it does not drop in like a nuclear weapon, one big loud crash and it's over, no. When negative Karma comes to collect the till it also is not the equivalent of a nuke, all the bad things do not happen all at once.
It's more like a carpet bomb effect when karma pays what you are owed. Numerous successive blasts hitting one right after another, after another.It doesn't do as much damage, this way. If karma comes as a carpet bomb does, there are things that are spared, If it comes down on you like an ICBM, then everything is destroyed and if everything has been destroyed, then there is no room to reflect, relearn and understand the causality of the karmic event. No lesson to be learned. Good or bad.
When someone thinks that it is karma which has come upon them, usually it's not. Karma is not just some random event making your life difficult. Karma gives the person exactly what they deserve, based on what they've done. With Karma, the punishment always, without exception fits the crime.The rewards are equal to the goodness you place into the world.
If you put good and wonderful things out into the world, you spread joy and love, hope and happiness, then that will be your karma and it will come back to you in time! The Same holds true for negative karma, if you spread hate, are injurious to the emotions of others, or are just mean, rude, offensive or are hurtful to others. Your Karma will based on those things. Many people cannot see the threads of what they've done and how they relate to the greater energies around them.
Karma begins within. We think our karma into existence. If you think good thoughts, those will translate into good actions and the karmic shift will be good towards you. Conversely, if you think negative, you will begin negative behavior and that will return to you.
Often our karma is returned to us by those we harm. It is not uncommon for those we wrong to wrong us in return. For those we hurt to hurt us in return. This is a form of karma too! To think that we can hurt people and that only some cosmic force will punish us for doing so is naive. Sometimes one has to be recompensed for our transgressions. Sometimes karma gives those we wrong the ability to show us what we've done, the harm and the hurt are repaid in kind. Often, I believe that this type of karma is far more harsh that the bad karma we have sent out. I also feel that this type of karmic shift comes with the greatest of lessons. We must learn that what we do has much larger impact than simply directly impacting our lives. Sometimes our behavior, our decisions which shift our karma in one direction or the other impact the greater world around us. Many times, a seemingly small decision will impact our familial relationships, our friendships and even the lives of people we don't even know. These are the major karmic shifts. These decisions, whether good or bad have far reaching consequences for good or bad.
Choose your thoughts and actions carefully, you never know what may come of them.
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Meditation, Mantras and the Gap.....
Hello and welcome to this blog. Perhaps inappropriately titled, because what I'm posting actually makes sense......
So if you've made it here, then you've (Hopefully) read my previous blog on meditation. If not, then please Click here to read it
or if you've already read it, then please continue....
My view of mantras is simple, keep it simple! A single syllable, with no connotation, no meaning, personal or otherwise is best. The reason I say this is as I mentioned in my last blog. You may begin to focus on the meaning of the mantra, as opposed to allowing your mind to just settle. Use your mantra to end thoughts, stop song lyrics, or mitigate any other distractions.
Just a few suggestions....
This is by no means an exhaustive list, just a few ideas! Keep in mind also that there is no proper cadence (Pace) for the mantra. For example mine may sound like this: "Om, Om, Om, Ooooooooommmmmmm, Om, om, Ooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmm" were it to be spoken aloud. So I suggest to you that you find a mantra that suits you and your meditation needs. Repeat it as you meditate, along with your pulse, or along with your breaths. Thinking "This isn't how to meditate!" is really a matter of opinion, but use what works for you.
The "GAP"
The Gap, is not something I speak of often, not because it sounds crazy, but because I know so few people who have experienced it. The sad part is that you only realize that you've experienced the Gap after you've left it! This sounds like a contradiction, it really isn't.
The Gap as I refer to it is that space, where everything stops, there are no thoughts, there are no emotions, there is nothing but peace. It is a brief moment where the mind completely settles and no thoughts are had and no emotions are felt. It is a space between thoughts and spaces. Others who have experienced this, and I am not the only one, I've talked to several meditators who have had this occurrence, agree.
The truth about the Gap is that anyone can reach it, but you only know that you were in the Gap once you come out of it. The moment that you realize, "I'm in the Gap!" you're no longer there, the moment is past, and thoughts have returned.
In my meditation, I try to extend my time in the Gap, sometimes it works, often it doesn't. The aim of meditation is not to achieve anything, but to allow the mind to settle and relax. Being in the Gap, for me is the pinnacle of the meditation experience. It is the goal. I don't, however, feel disappointed if I don't achieve reaching that space. I still feel very relaxed, focused and refreshed after a sit. The best part of being in the Gap for me is the total sense of peace I feel while I'm there. I strongly suggest that you find the Gap within yourself if you meditate.
AUTHORS NOTE: It took me a few weeks of daily meditation to reach the Gap within myself, please do not feel discouraged, or give up on meditation if you do not experience it quickly. Each mind and soul are different and we all have different needs within meditation. To compare my experiences to yours would not be fair to you the reader. I sincerely hope that if you try meditation, you make it part of your daily life and that it helps to enrich your days, nights and overall well beiing.
So if you've made it here, then you've (Hopefully) read my previous blog on meditation. If not, then please Click here to read it
or if you've already read it, then please continue....
My view of mantras is simple, keep it simple! A single syllable, with no connotation, no meaning, personal or otherwise is best. The reason I say this is as I mentioned in my last blog. You may begin to focus on the meaning of the mantra, as opposed to allowing your mind to just settle. Use your mantra to end thoughts, stop song lyrics, or mitigate any other distractions.
Just a few suggestions....
- Om
- Um
- Rum
- See
- Ni
This is by no means an exhaustive list, just a few ideas! Keep in mind also that there is no proper cadence (Pace) for the mantra. For example mine may sound like this: "Om, Om, Om, Ooooooooommmmmmm, Om, om, Ooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmm" were it to be spoken aloud. So I suggest to you that you find a mantra that suits you and your meditation needs. Repeat it as you meditate, along with your pulse, or along with your breaths. Thinking "This isn't how to meditate!" is really a matter of opinion, but use what works for you.
The "GAP"
The Gap, is not something I speak of often, not because it sounds crazy, but because I know so few people who have experienced it. The sad part is that you only realize that you've experienced the Gap after you've left it! This sounds like a contradiction, it really isn't.
The Gap as I refer to it is that space, where everything stops, there are no thoughts, there are no emotions, there is nothing but peace. It is a brief moment where the mind completely settles and no thoughts are had and no emotions are felt. It is a space between thoughts and spaces. Others who have experienced this, and I am not the only one, I've talked to several meditators who have had this occurrence, agree.
The truth about the Gap is that anyone can reach it, but you only know that you were in the Gap once you come out of it. The moment that you realize, "I'm in the Gap!" you're no longer there, the moment is past, and thoughts have returned.
In my meditation, I try to extend my time in the Gap, sometimes it works, often it doesn't. The aim of meditation is not to achieve anything, but to allow the mind to settle and relax. Being in the Gap, for me is the pinnacle of the meditation experience. It is the goal. I don't, however, feel disappointed if I don't achieve reaching that space. I still feel very relaxed, focused and refreshed after a sit. The best part of being in the Gap for me is the total sense of peace I feel while I'm there. I strongly suggest that you find the Gap within yourself if you meditate.
AUTHORS NOTE: It took me a few weeks of daily meditation to reach the Gap within myself, please do not feel discouraged, or give up on meditation if you do not experience it quickly. Each mind and soul are different and we all have different needs within meditation. To compare my experiences to yours would not be fair to you the reader. I sincerely hope that if you try meditation, you make it part of your daily life and that it helps to enrich your days, nights and overall well beiing.
Friday, December 22, 2017
Meditation
Hello,
This entry will be about meditation I'll do my best not to stray.
Often I will use the word "Sit" to describe meditating.
Common responses that I get, are; "I've tried it just doesn't work for me!", "I don't have time." and my favorite "My mind races too much."
Meditation is an activity, but a passive one. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it is both an active and passive activity at the same time. It's the equivalent of Schroedingers cat. The cat is both dead and alive at the same time. You're doing something, yet doing nothing at the same time.
How's this?
Well it's simple actually. Meditation is a process of letting the mind settle. Allowing it to stop and rest, but in a wakeful and mindful state. Not thinking, but just being and being mindful of the fact that you are allowing your mind to settle.
Let's look at it like this: All day and night while you're awake and or sleeping, your mind is working. It's thinking, processing sounds and visual input, interpreting that information and you're forming opinions or having feelings about that information that your mind is processing. As you form opinions about this information, you have feelings about those opinions. Meditation allows your mind to relax and stop, in some ways processing that information. It allows you to let your mind relax and rest for a brief time.
Most of the time, we are worried or concerned. Our feelings are what causes us many of our day to day problems. The fight between what we know in our heads and feel in our hearts contributes to our daily frustrations. Meditation allows you a window to stop that inner conflict, to give yourself peace.
So how do I meditate?
I'm glad you asked.
First find a place you can sit alone and quietly for fifteen minutes. It doesn't have to be any place special, but it does help if it is special to you. Your living room, garden (in warm climes), bedroom, basement, where ever you are comfortable. Take your watch, or phone and set a timer, fifteen minutes is plenty to begin with. Sit yourself down comfortably, you don't have to sit cross-legged (Indian Style, not to sound racist) or in some position commonly associated with meditation. Just sit down comfortably. Close your eyes and relax.
Great! Now you're sitting down meditating and your mind is racing, jumping around like a toddler in a playpen when that toddler doesn't want to be there. That is normal. It happens to me every time I sit to meditate. Like that toddler who wants out of that play pen, this is the mind, in some way rebelling. Additionally, like that toddler, you cannot let it have its way. So sit there, quietly. Have patience, your mind will settle. Just a little bit, and you'll feel it and you'll tell yourself:
"Holy shit! I'm meditating!"
Remember that toddler?
Well thinking that you're meditating is the equivalent of talking to the toddler after it quieted down. The child just begins to act up again.
Your mind will too!
This is also normal. This is also where patience comes into play. Let the toddler/your mind act up, let it race and let it settle. It will feel like you're getting nowhere. It'll feel like your mind will not settle, but it will. This will feel like it's taking forever and you might even tell yourself that you're going to run out of time before your mind quiets down.
The truth is all of that will take about two minutes. Two very long minutes, but in reality it'll only be about two minutes.
Then your mind will begin to settle again.
Here is where you begin to become mindful of your meditation. You'll need a mantra, I use "Om" (oh-mmm). You don't have to. Use something that fits you. I recommend something simple and short, keep it to one syllable, do not attach a meaning to it, two syllables is fine, but again simple is better here.
I warn against attaching meaning to your mantra, only because I find it can be distracting in the sense that you may begin to focus on the meaning you attach to it. Instead you should be focusing on letting your mind settle. Which means not focusing at all.
You will have thoughts, they'll come, it happens. Think the thought but let it go. You might think "I have to pay the water bill." okay, once that though is complete, don't hang onto it. Don't remind yourself that you also have to pay the gas. Don't hold onto it. If you feel like you're focusing on it, return to your mantra.
Example: "I need to feed the dog, I need to get him some water too and then around eight (here is where you return to your mantra)Om, Om, Om, Om
Use your mantra to break up the thoughts which can and will break your "Sit" as I like to call it. If you continue to allow thoughts to enter your meditations, you will fail at meditating. So use your mantra.
Your mind will settle more and more with each successive sit that you have. Your mind will behave less and less like a toddler in a play pen that it doesn't want to be in each time you sit.
There are some things to be aware of however, during a sit, especially during the early ones, You might find that while you meditate you'll start to laugh or cray. You might itch, twitch or sway. You'll feel things, joy, fear, anger.
All of this is normal. It is your body and mind adjusting to the calmness that you're giving it. It's your body and minds way of working out the stress and frustration it feels. If you laugh, then laugh, let it flow through you, then return to your mantra. The same with any feeling that you may experience, let it run its cycle and pass. Don't hold on to any of it, do not try to understand why suddenly you are very angry, it's your mind processing and releasing that feeling. There is no need to examine it, if you absolutely must, then do so when your sit is over. Do not dwell on your feelings or thoughts and should you find that is what you are doing, return to your mantra.
Before you begin your sit, commit to yourself that no matter what, you are going t sit tere until the time runs out. You mayhave an itch, so scratch it, but don't wonder why your hand itches. Scratch the itch, then return to your mantra. You might suddenly be hungry, tell yourself "I'll eat after I finish meditating"
Now you have the basics of meditation. Go and apply them in your life, or don't. That is up to you.
A few things to keep in mind:
Now go find a comfortable place, have a sit and enjoy it. Nothing will happen for the first few times, you won't notice changes in your thoughts, feelings or behaviors. After a couple of weeks, you will begin to notice changes, because others will begin to notice. This is when you know that the meditation is working.
Next time I will talk more about mantras and chakras.
Often I will use the word "Sit" to describe meditating.
Common responses that I get, are; "I've tried it just doesn't work for me!", "I don't have time." and my favorite "My mind races too much."
Meditation is an activity, but a passive one. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it is both an active and passive activity at the same time. It's the equivalent of Schroedingers cat. The cat is both dead and alive at the same time. You're doing something, yet doing nothing at the same time.
How's this?
Well it's simple actually. Meditation is a process of letting the mind settle. Allowing it to stop and rest, but in a wakeful and mindful state. Not thinking, but just being and being mindful of the fact that you are allowing your mind to settle.
Let's look at it like this: All day and night while you're awake and or sleeping, your mind is working. It's thinking, processing sounds and visual input, interpreting that information and you're forming opinions or having feelings about that information that your mind is processing. As you form opinions about this information, you have feelings about those opinions. Meditation allows your mind to relax and stop, in some ways processing that information. It allows you to let your mind relax and rest for a brief time.
Most of the time, we are worried or concerned. Our feelings are what causes us many of our day to day problems. The fight between what we know in our heads and feel in our hearts contributes to our daily frustrations. Meditation allows you a window to stop that inner conflict, to give yourself peace.
So how do I meditate?
I'm glad you asked.
First find a place you can sit alone and quietly for fifteen minutes. It doesn't have to be any place special, but it does help if it is special to you. Your living room, garden (in warm climes), bedroom, basement, where ever you are comfortable. Take your watch, or phone and set a timer, fifteen minutes is plenty to begin with. Sit yourself down comfortably, you don't have to sit cross-legged (Indian Style, not to sound racist) or in some position commonly associated with meditation. Just sit down comfortably. Close your eyes and relax.
Great! Now you're sitting down meditating and your mind is racing, jumping around like a toddler in a playpen when that toddler doesn't want to be there. That is normal. It happens to me every time I sit to meditate. Like that toddler who wants out of that play pen, this is the mind, in some way rebelling. Additionally, like that toddler, you cannot let it have its way. So sit there, quietly. Have patience, your mind will settle. Just a little bit, and you'll feel it and you'll tell yourself:
"Holy shit! I'm meditating!"
Remember that toddler?
Well thinking that you're meditating is the equivalent of talking to the toddler after it quieted down. The child just begins to act up again.
Your mind will too!
This is also normal. This is also where patience comes into play. Let the toddler/your mind act up, let it race and let it settle. It will feel like you're getting nowhere. It'll feel like your mind will not settle, but it will. This will feel like it's taking forever and you might even tell yourself that you're going to run out of time before your mind quiets down.
The truth is all of that will take about two minutes. Two very long minutes, but in reality it'll only be about two minutes.
Then your mind will begin to settle again.
Here is where you begin to become mindful of your meditation. You'll need a mantra, I use "Om" (oh-mmm). You don't have to. Use something that fits you. I recommend something simple and short, keep it to one syllable, do not attach a meaning to it, two syllables is fine, but again simple is better here.
I warn against attaching meaning to your mantra, only because I find it can be distracting in the sense that you may begin to focus on the meaning you attach to it. Instead you should be focusing on letting your mind settle. Which means not focusing at all.
You will have thoughts, they'll come, it happens. Think the thought but let it go. You might think "I have to pay the water bill." okay, once that though is complete, don't hang onto it. Don't remind yourself that you also have to pay the gas. Don't hold onto it. If you feel like you're focusing on it, return to your mantra.
Example: "I need to feed the dog, I need to get him some water too and then around eight (here is where you return to your mantra)Om, Om, Om, Om
Use your mantra to break up the thoughts which can and will break your "Sit" as I like to call it. If you continue to allow thoughts to enter your meditations, you will fail at meditating. So use your mantra.
Your mind will settle more and more with each successive sit that you have. Your mind will behave less and less like a toddler in a play pen that it doesn't want to be in each time you sit.
There are some things to be aware of however, during a sit, especially during the early ones, You might find that while you meditate you'll start to laugh or cray. You might itch, twitch or sway. You'll feel things, joy, fear, anger.
All of this is normal. It is your body and mind adjusting to the calmness that you're giving it. It's your body and minds way of working out the stress and frustration it feels. If you laugh, then laugh, let it flow through you, then return to your mantra. The same with any feeling that you may experience, let it run its cycle and pass. Don't hold on to any of it, do not try to understand why suddenly you are very angry, it's your mind processing and releasing that feeling. There is no need to examine it, if you absolutely must, then do so when your sit is over. Do not dwell on your feelings or thoughts and should you find that is what you are doing, return to your mantra.
Before you begin your sit, commit to yourself that no matter what, you are going t sit tere until the time runs out. You mayhave an itch, so scratch it, but don't wonder why your hand itches. Scratch the itch, then return to your mantra. You might suddenly be hungry, tell yourself "I'll eat after I finish meditating"
Now you have the basics of meditation. Go and apply them in your life, or don't. That is up to you.
A few things to keep in mind:
- Do not expect anything to happen!
- You're doing this FOR yourself.
- Meditation cannot hurt you.
- Your mantra should be for you and simple
Now go find a comfortable place, have a sit and enjoy it. Nothing will happen for the first few times, you won't notice changes in your thoughts, feelings or behaviors. After a couple of weeks, you will begin to notice changes, because others will begin to notice. This is when you know that the meditation is working.
Next time I will talk more about mantras and chakras.
Monday, December 11, 2017
I guess sometimes it doesn't matter.....
SO sitting here, alone as usual, I began thinking.....
You can fall in love, give up everything you have and know. Leave your fur babies behind, people you love like your family. Not the family you were born into, but the family you've made over time by building a relationship with them, by spending good times and bad with them. To seek out a life that you really believed would be the life that you want. You could even spend moments that you'll never forget, like October 30th, 2017, at 2:15pm, when my Oncologist told me that I was in remission with people that you love. In the long run it won't change anything.
Maybe it's just me? Maybe I'm too fucked up to love? Maybe nothing really matters other than the moment that you're in? Somehow, I wonder if maybe I'm just to blame for others ills? Did I make things go the way they go? Is there a moment I could point to, where I can say "That's where I turned, and ended up here"?
I think about how I feel and want to just be honest. I'm not the guy that everyone thinks I am. I'm far more insecure than I ever let on. Often I feel like this person is better than me, better looking than me, more attractive than me. Can do better than I can, is more efficient than I am, is a better manager than I am, a better worker. Maybe that person there is a better lover than I am? Maybe that person is emotionally stronger than I am, maybe he was a better soldier? Perhaps he would be a better friend than I am? That person makes more money than I do, has a nicer car, dresses better, cooks better, takes better photographs. I think that if you've read this far, then you get the idea.
I sat on a bed during chemo and felt alone and unnecessary and a burden to everyone around me, at home, at work, at the hospital. My not too good feelings about myself, grew and I grew unhappier than I had ever been. I made a decision to leave, and to go find my truth and my happiness. Happiness, true happiness comes from within. I thought I found my happiness and then, as usually happens, my world flipped. Upside down, inside out and all around. I made many hard decisions about my life and my relationships, then left. I left so much behind and told myself that it was just stuff and I could, in time reacquire it. In the end it's just stuff.
Perhaps happimess only happens in moments? Maybe a moment of happiness, is all you can expect from life. Maybe you have to just savor those moments? Those happy moments, which seem so wonderous at the time, the ones that make you smile in retrospect? Maybe there is no happiness and it's just some lie made up to sell greeting cards? I'm not sure. I would like to believe that happiness is sustainable. That you can find ways to extend those moments and make them last. I want to believe that somehow, in some shape form or fashion, you can take a moment, love it enough, feel it strongly enough that it doesn't end until you allow it to. That somehow maybe, despite my insecurities, I can be a happy person who stops comparing myself to others. That I can be happy enough to make today, tomorrow and many days to come happy ones. I have to believe that that is true. I have to look forward and not back and not allow my past, which thankfully, has made me who I am today, prevent me from truly enjoying my tomorrows. My mother likes to say, "Once you put that box down, don't pick it back up, leave it where you sat it and don't even look back at it." I'm truly beginning to understand that philosophy. I've been carrying a lot of boxes, my shoulders are strong enough to carry many more. It is up to me to decide which boxes to pick up, and which ones not to. I can say that today I am deciding to not pick up boxes I've already sat down, and to put down the ones that I no longer need to carry. I can help people carry their boxes, but I have to keep in mind that it may not be my box to carry, and sometimes people don't want you to help them. I also have to remember that sometimes, people carry boxes and they don't even know why or what's in the box.
You can fall in love, give up everything you have and know. Leave your fur babies behind, people you love like your family. Not the family you were born into, but the family you've made over time by building a relationship with them, by spending good times and bad with them. To seek out a life that you really believed would be the life that you want. You could even spend moments that you'll never forget, like October 30th, 2017, at 2:15pm, when my Oncologist told me that I was in remission with people that you love. In the long run it won't change anything.
Maybe it's just me? Maybe I'm too fucked up to love? Maybe nothing really matters other than the moment that you're in? Somehow, I wonder if maybe I'm just to blame for others ills? Did I make things go the way they go? Is there a moment I could point to, where I can say "That's where I turned, and ended up here"?
I think about how I feel and want to just be honest. I'm not the guy that everyone thinks I am. I'm far more insecure than I ever let on. Often I feel like this person is better than me, better looking than me, more attractive than me. Can do better than I can, is more efficient than I am, is a better manager than I am, a better worker. Maybe that person there is a better lover than I am? Maybe that person is emotionally stronger than I am, maybe he was a better soldier? Perhaps he would be a better friend than I am? That person makes more money than I do, has a nicer car, dresses better, cooks better, takes better photographs. I think that if you've read this far, then you get the idea.
I sat on a bed during chemo and felt alone and unnecessary and a burden to everyone around me, at home, at work, at the hospital. My not too good feelings about myself, grew and I grew unhappier than I had ever been. I made a decision to leave, and to go find my truth and my happiness. Happiness, true happiness comes from within. I thought I found my happiness and then, as usually happens, my world flipped. Upside down, inside out and all around. I made many hard decisions about my life and my relationships, then left. I left so much behind and told myself that it was just stuff and I could, in time reacquire it. In the end it's just stuff.
Perhaps happimess only happens in moments? Maybe a moment of happiness, is all you can expect from life. Maybe you have to just savor those moments? Those happy moments, which seem so wonderous at the time, the ones that make you smile in retrospect? Maybe there is no happiness and it's just some lie made up to sell greeting cards? I'm not sure. I would like to believe that happiness is sustainable. That you can find ways to extend those moments and make them last. I want to believe that somehow, in some shape form or fashion, you can take a moment, love it enough, feel it strongly enough that it doesn't end until you allow it to. That somehow maybe, despite my insecurities, I can be a happy person who stops comparing myself to others. That I can be happy enough to make today, tomorrow and many days to come happy ones. I have to believe that that is true. I have to look forward and not back and not allow my past, which thankfully, has made me who I am today, prevent me from truly enjoying my tomorrows. My mother likes to say, "Once you put that box down, don't pick it back up, leave it where you sat it and don't even look back at it." I'm truly beginning to understand that philosophy. I've been carrying a lot of boxes, my shoulders are strong enough to carry many more. It is up to me to decide which boxes to pick up, and which ones not to. I can say that today I am deciding to not pick up boxes I've already sat down, and to put down the ones that I no longer need to carry. I can help people carry their boxes, but I have to keep in mind that it may not be my box to carry, and sometimes people don't want you to help them. I also have to remember that sometimes, people carry boxes and they don't even know why or what's in the box.
Sunday, October 1, 2017
My Adventure with Cancer (MAWC) is still ongoing....
CONTINUED......
SO the Oncologist made her recommendations and I think I might have shocked her by telling her that I had not, at that time decided to do treatment. She recommended Three rounds of chemotherapy and radiation. I think I forgot to mention that there were a number of scans, CT, PET, all of which were annoying.
I went home and meditated on the subject, for a good while. A few weeks. My dilemma was that I've taken a look at my life up until that point and decided that if that was all my life was to be, then I didn't want it. I still don't want that life. I'm sure that at some point I'll write about that, just not today. But I took a few weeks and decided that if I could be happy, after treatment, then I would do the treatments. I know there are no guarantees in life, no format or road to happiness. Nothing like that.
So I decided to do the treatments. Chemo was first and I'm going to try to explain what it felt like for me. I know it's not the same for every patient, but here's how it was for me.
They would dose me with a heavy dose of Benadryl, I'm guessing to counteract any possible allergic reactions to the R-CHOP
This took, I am not kidding, over eight (8) hours the first time. It came down to around 6.5hrs for the second and third rounds. Somehow I was exhausted. I was weak and tired and slept a lot. I wasn't nauseated the first day, but the second day, I was ready to puke at the drop of a hat. Fortunately for me there had been some previous coordination for some natural herbal remedies to help with that. Also every time I felt the need to vomit, I ate something. Sometimes snack crackers, watermelon was a life saver, as it not only put something solid in my stomach, but helped me keep hydrated, sometimes pistachios, a slice or two of cheese, yogurt and ice cream. (SIDE NOTE: Despite being lactose intolerant, ice cream didn't bother me at all during chemo, not sure if the meds they had me on did that or what.) I was one of those odd people who actually goinge weight during chemo. Many people lose weight due to their not wanting to eat because the meds make you sick. During the first round I did take some of the anti-nausea meds, after the second round I took none. I stuck to the herbs I had and eating whenever I felt the need to throw up.Hope that hard fought for experience helps anyone who might read this. I'm not talking out of my ass, I've gone through it. Speaking of which...
Diaharrea! I had severe diaharrea every day. Not hugely bad cramping, but I didn't shit anything solid for weeks. That was miserable, though it was also very regular. It wasn't a sudden and explosive type of thing. At first I thought that it might just be the lactose intolerance, but even when I stopped eating ice cream, it continued. So that part wasn't any fun. I did spend a lot of time in bed, thinking, playing X-Box One, watching Netflix and youtube, I spent so much time in bed that I was sore and achy. In hindsight, I should have bought a new mattress before chemo. SO advice to anyone about to do chemo, make sure that you love your bed and that your mattress is aas comfortable as can be. The back and leg aches were some of the worst muscular pain I have ever experienced. Sitting and laying in my bed for hours and hours upon end, days at a time. I would take hot baths to relax my muscles then climb back into my bed. You figure out the logic there.
I would take a week off of work and then go back in just to have my boss send me home. I would work modified shifts, starting with three hours and building up to my normal shifts over a week or so. I got lucky that I have a really good grouo of co-workers and my Store Manager and his boss were great to work with me. Had I still been with my previous employer, I can state as fact, that they would have fired me. I sweated off and on almost constantly, had a special mouthwash, was sore and tired and sluggish.
Being the way I am, maybe it's carry-over behavior from the Army, I would get to work and do as much as I could and completely wear myself out. Then sadly end up sitting on a chair watching whoever else I was working with do the work that I should have been doing. Perhaps I was more of a hindrance than a help. My boss would plan for my returns after the first one and fill my sad three hours with small or short, little tasks which I didn't need to stand through nor exert myself. I felt useless, and that was hard.
So during round three.
So I finished the three rounds and went back to Dr. Ule, who ordered an Echocardiogram, and found that there was some damage caused by one of the meds. SO off to Cardiology I went to find out that the damages should repair itself over time. Then I started where I am as of this writing.
I'm doing Radiation. This in some ways is harder than chemo was. Most of the time I feel fine, but I do wake up with sores, almost like ulcers in my mouth. My throat hurts and often I am very tired. I have some difficulty maintaining my attention on things where I didn't before. I have to really force myself to focus to get anything done. WHile writing this I've been forcing myself to look at nothing but the keyboard. I don't really type, I hunt and peck with six fingers. I do get swollen spots on my tongueand it feels like the gumline on the left side where they shoot the radiation is receding. Additionally I regularly have headaches that nothing seems to help with. That's where I am to this point. I'm not even going to bitch about the drive.
So that's all I have for now! Aside from this damn headache.
SO the Oncologist made her recommendations and I think I might have shocked her by telling her that I had not, at that time decided to do treatment. She recommended Three rounds of chemotherapy and radiation. I think I forgot to mention that there were a number of scans, CT, PET, all of which were annoying.
I went home and meditated on the subject, for a good while. A few weeks. My dilemma was that I've taken a look at my life up until that point and decided that if that was all my life was to be, then I didn't want it. I still don't want that life. I'm sure that at some point I'll write about that, just not today. But I took a few weeks and decided that if I could be happy, after treatment, then I would do the treatments. I know there are no guarantees in life, no format or road to happiness. Nothing like that.
So I decided to do the treatments. Chemo was first and I'm going to try to explain what it felt like for me. I know it's not the same for every patient, but here's how it was for me.
They would dose me with a heavy dose of Benadryl, I'm guessing to counteract any possible allergic reactions to the R-CHOP
- R – rituximab
- C – cyclophosphamide
- H – doxorubicin (hydroxydaunomycin)
- O – vincristine (Oncovin ®)
- P – prednisolone (a steroid).
This took, I am not kidding, over eight (8) hours the first time. It came down to around 6.5hrs for the second and third rounds. Somehow I was exhausted. I was weak and tired and slept a lot. I wasn't nauseated the first day, but the second day, I was ready to puke at the drop of a hat. Fortunately for me there had been some previous coordination for some natural herbal remedies to help with that. Also every time I felt the need to vomit, I ate something. Sometimes snack crackers, watermelon was a life saver, as it not only put something solid in my stomach, but helped me keep hydrated, sometimes pistachios, a slice or two of cheese, yogurt and ice cream. (SIDE NOTE: Despite being lactose intolerant, ice cream didn't bother me at all during chemo, not sure if the meds they had me on did that or what.) I was one of those odd people who actually goinge weight during chemo. Many people lose weight due to their not wanting to eat because the meds make you sick. During the first round I did take some of the anti-nausea meds, after the second round I took none. I stuck to the herbs I had and eating whenever I felt the need to throw up.Hope that hard fought for experience helps anyone who might read this. I'm not talking out of my ass, I've gone through it. Speaking of which...
Diaharrea! I had severe diaharrea every day. Not hugely bad cramping, but I didn't shit anything solid for weeks. That was miserable, though it was also very regular. It wasn't a sudden and explosive type of thing. At first I thought that it might just be the lactose intolerance, but even when I stopped eating ice cream, it continued. So that part wasn't any fun. I did spend a lot of time in bed, thinking, playing X-Box One, watching Netflix and youtube, I spent so much time in bed that I was sore and achy. In hindsight, I should have bought a new mattress before chemo. SO advice to anyone about to do chemo, make sure that you love your bed and that your mattress is aas comfortable as can be. The back and leg aches were some of the worst muscular pain I have ever experienced. Sitting and laying in my bed for hours and hours upon end, days at a time. I would take hot baths to relax my muscles then climb back into my bed. You figure out the logic there.
I would take a week off of work and then go back in just to have my boss send me home. I would work modified shifts, starting with three hours and building up to my normal shifts over a week or so. I got lucky that I have a really good grouo of co-workers and my Store Manager and his boss were great to work with me. Had I still been with my previous employer, I can state as fact, that they would have fired me. I sweated off and on almost constantly, had a special mouthwash, was sore and tired and sluggish.
Being the way I am, maybe it's carry-over behavior from the Army, I would get to work and do as much as I could and completely wear myself out. Then sadly end up sitting on a chair watching whoever else I was working with do the work that I should have been doing. Perhaps I was more of a hindrance than a help. My boss would plan for my returns after the first one and fill my sad three hours with small or short, little tasks which I didn't need to stand through nor exert myself. I felt useless, and that was hard.
So during round three.
So I finished the three rounds and went back to Dr. Ule, who ordered an Echocardiogram, and found that there was some damage caused by one of the meds. SO off to Cardiology I went to find out that the damages should repair itself over time. Then I started where I am as of this writing.
I'm doing Radiation. This in some ways is harder than chemo was. Most of the time I feel fine, but I do wake up with sores, almost like ulcers in my mouth. My throat hurts and often I am very tired. I have some difficulty maintaining my attention on things where I didn't before. I have to really force myself to focus to get anything done. WHile writing this I've been forcing myself to look at nothing but the keyboard. I don't really type, I hunt and peck with six fingers. I do get swollen spots on my tongueand it feels like the gumline on the left side where they shoot the radiation is receding. Additionally I regularly have headaches that nothing seems to help with. That's where I am to this point. I'm not even going to bitch about the drive.
So that's all I have for now! Aside from this damn headache.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
My adventure with cancer. Not over yet. Part 1...
Anyone reading this already knows that I have cancer, who am I kidding, no one reads this. The metrics show me that I have few to no visitors.
Maybe that will change?
Maybe it won't?
Anyways, here goes.
This whole thing started when I had this odd lump on my neck, I knew it was a lymph node, I just figured that I had some kind of infection and my body was dealing with it. It got bigger and bigger, not huge mind you, but big enough that a co-worker at the time, We'll call her "Fish" (not for any reason than that's what I call her) started suggesting to me that I get it checked. I waited and waited and she continued to suggest. Finally I went to see my VA (Veterans Administration) doctor.
She had me do labs, and palpated (pressed on it and moved it around) it. Then made a face. It'll be a long time before I can forget that face she made. She sent me to the Surgeon at the closest VA hospital. I didn't like that doctor from day one. Not too sure why, I just didn't vibe well off of him. He told me that they would have to do a biopsy, and I agreed. I'm pretty sure that it was at that moment that I decided that I had cancer. Fatalistic? Maybe, but sometimes you just know a thing. He talked about it but never said the word "Cancer" he'd say malignant cells, or malignancy, but never say the "C" word. I don't think I was ever truly scared of it being cancer. I just kind of accepted it.
So to do the biopsy, they used some kind of numbing agent, something with "Caine" in the name, that wasn't strong enough as an outpatient procedure. It hurt like a motherfucker, and the surgeon and pathologists kept telling me that I couldn't feel it? How exactly do you tell someone what they can and can't feel? I've always had a strong tolerance for the numbing agents for some reason. I almost started cussing them out at that point. After they were finished, I got up and immediately layed back down. I managed to stumble along with help to the receptionist to make a follow up appointment.
A few weeks went by and I had my follow up, filled with more malignant, but not the word cancer. I was told that they were going to excise the tumor. That's what they were calling it now, a malignant tumor. Malignant tumor = Cancer. Sorry if that is upsetting to anyone reading this. Again, no one reads this. I'm pretty sure that it was at that point that I decided that this woud either kill me, because as yet I didn't know what type it was, or it would become this great story about that time I had cancer.
September 2016 I went to the hospital, they removed the lymph node and sent it off for further testing....
October 2016 Follow up for the surgery. I actually called the doctor out on not using the word cancer as he was telling me that I was being referred to the Oncology department.
Let's Examine
Yet they still didn't use the word cancer, I did. I said to him "So I have cancer." he didn't acknowledge the statement. So I went home and waited for my appointment slip in the mail. Instead I got a phone call.....
Tri-west, a medical insurance company called me and was setting up my appointment for Cabrini Cancer Center I had been outsourced to a private hospital!
This, as it turns out, is not a bad thing. At first I knew it would be a headache, and it has been. This happened. But as it has been, in some ways a small blessing.
My Oncologist and I didn't necessarily hit it off, Ulla Ule, yes that is her real name. Or she uses a pseudonym so that angry family members don't hunt her down for her inability to cure terminal cancers. Possible but unlikely. Anyways she was the first Doctor to actually the "C" word. She told me what type it was and observed that if I had to choose a cancer, of all the kinds there are, I have one of the best to have, very low mortality rate. Which is a nice way to say that it's not likely to kill me.
So to do the biopsy, they used some kind of numbing agent, something with "Caine" in the name, that wasn't strong enough as an outpatient procedure. It hurt like a motherfucker, and the surgeon and pathologists kept telling me that I couldn't feel it? How exactly do you tell someone what they can and can't feel? I've always had a strong tolerance for the numbing agents for some reason. I almost started cussing them out at that point. After they were finished, I got up and immediately layed back down. I managed to stumble along with help to the receptionist to make a follow up appointment.
A few weeks went by and I had my follow up, filled with more malignant, but not the word cancer. I was told that they were going to excise the tumor. That's what they were calling it now, a malignant tumor. Malignant tumor = Cancer. Sorry if that is upsetting to anyone reading this. Again, no one reads this. I'm pretty sure that it was at that point that I decided that this woud either kill me, because as yet I didn't know what type it was, or it would become this great story about that time I had cancer.
September 2016 I went to the hospital, they removed the lymph node and sent it off for further testing....
October 2016 Follow up for the surgery. I actually called the doctor out on not using the word cancer as he was telling me that I was being referred to the Oncology department.
Let's Examine
- Malignant = Cancer
- Malignant Tumor = Cancer
- Oncology/Oncologist = Cancer Specializing Doctors
Yet they still didn't use the word cancer, I did. I said to him "So I have cancer." he didn't acknowledge the statement. So I went home and waited for my appointment slip in the mail. Instead I got a phone call.....
Tri-west, a medical insurance company called me and was setting up my appointment for Cabrini Cancer Center I had been outsourced to a private hospital!
This, as it turns out, is not a bad thing. At first I knew it would be a headache, and it has been. This happened. But as it has been, in some ways a small blessing.
My Oncologist and I didn't necessarily hit it off, Ulla Ule, yes that is her real name. Or she uses a pseudonym so that angry family members don't hunt her down for her inability to cure terminal cancers. Possible but unlikely. Anyways she was the first Doctor to actually the "C" word. She told me what type it was and observed that if I had to choose a cancer, of all the kinds there are, I have one of the best to have, very low mortality rate. Which is a nice way to say that it's not likely to kill me.
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