SO sitting here, alone as usual, I began thinking.....
You can fall in love, give up everything you have and know. Leave your fur babies behind, people you love like your family. Not the family you were born into, but the family you've made over time by building a relationship with them, by spending good times and bad with them. To seek out a life that you really believed would be the life that you want. You could even spend moments that you'll never forget, like October 30th, 2017, at 2:15pm, when my Oncologist told me that I was in remission with people that you love. In the long run it won't change anything.
Maybe it's just me? Maybe I'm too fucked up to love? Maybe nothing really matters other than the moment that you're in? Somehow, I wonder if maybe I'm just to blame for others ills? Did I make things go the way they go? Is there a moment I could point to, where I can say "That's where I turned, and ended up here"?
I think about how I feel and want to just be honest. I'm not the guy that everyone thinks I am. I'm far more insecure than I ever let on. Often I feel like this person is better than me, better looking than me, more attractive than me. Can do better than I can, is more efficient than I am, is a better manager than I am, a better worker. Maybe that person there is a better lover than I am? Maybe that person is emotionally stronger than I am, maybe he was a better soldier? Perhaps he would be a better friend than I am? That person makes more money than I do, has a nicer car, dresses better, cooks better, takes better photographs. I think that if you've read this far, then you get the idea.
I sat on a bed during chemo and felt alone and unnecessary and a burden to everyone around me, at home, at work, at the hospital. My not too good feelings about myself, grew and I grew unhappier than I had ever been. I made a decision to leave, and to go find my truth and my happiness. Happiness, true happiness comes from within. I thought I found my happiness and then, as usually happens, my world flipped. Upside down, inside out and all around. I made many hard decisions about my life and my relationships, then left. I left so much behind and told myself that it was just stuff and I could, in time reacquire it. In the end it's just stuff.
Perhaps happimess only happens in moments? Maybe a moment of happiness, is all you can expect from life. Maybe you have to just savor those moments? Those happy moments, which seem so wonderous at the time, the ones that make you smile in retrospect? Maybe there is no happiness and it's just some lie made up to sell greeting cards? I'm not sure. I would like to believe that happiness is sustainable. That you can find ways to extend those moments and make them last. I want to believe that somehow, in some shape form or fashion, you can take a moment, love it enough, feel it strongly enough that it doesn't end until you allow it to. That somehow maybe, despite my insecurities, I can be a happy person who stops comparing myself to others. That I can be happy enough to make today, tomorrow and many days to come happy ones. I have to believe that that is true. I have to look forward and not back and not allow my past, which thankfully, has made me who I am today, prevent me from truly enjoying my tomorrows. My mother likes to say, "Once you put that box down, don't pick it back up, leave it where you sat it and don't even look back at it." I'm truly beginning to understand that philosophy. I've been carrying a lot of boxes, my shoulders are strong enough to carry many more. It is up to me to decide which boxes to pick up, and which ones not to. I can say that today I am deciding to not pick up boxes I've already sat down, and to put down the ones that I no longer need to carry. I can help people carry their boxes, but I have to keep in mind that it may not be my box to carry, and sometimes people don't want you to help them. I also have to remember that sometimes, people carry boxes and they don't even know why or what's in the box.
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