Journey to Realization

Sitting here, I came to realize some things....

Recently, I've gone through a very difficult break up. Some would call it this or that, many ways to describe it. So I wondered, why has it tormented me the way it has? Because I loved someone who didn't love me.

And that's okay.

I realized that I loved someone, who didn't, maybe couldn't have loved me. Perhaps not because of something I did, said or who I was, but because they just didn't. How, and why did it bother me so bad? Because I still love that person. I don't know that if you truly love someone, you ever stop. That you can stop. I was angry, and hurt and bitter, but that was fueled by my misunderstanding. I didn't comprehend what I was feeling. There was hate, rage, disappointment, loss, cruelty and many other feelings, but why? Because I still loved her. Maybe I still do?

There was a few moments where her and I talked to eachother, and I was purely evil, hateful and mean. In the moment I meant everything I said. I've reflected on the things I said and how I felt at that time. Why did I feel that way and why did I say the things I said? Because I felt it, deep and harsh, but why? I still loved her.

I figured out that I had to have really strong feelings towards this person in order for me to feel the way I felt. I found my truth in it also. I had made a choice. I chose love. I chose to love and to accept love and that I would trust and confide in someone. I chose to let my guard down, to be vulnerable and to accept a person, their strength and weaknesses, their flaws and perfections. I chose to love someone fully and freely.

Maybe this sounds contrary? Maybe it doesn't make sense? Let me explain a little. I was at a point where I was in pain and not able to believe in people, not able to open up, not able to allow myself to feel. I was shut down and isolated emotionally. I decided to free myself and love someone. I got burnt. I got screwed over and betrayed. I know that much.

There was, however, a lesson. What I learned, beyond anything else was that it's okay to love. That it's okay to be vulnerable and to open yourself up to the possibility of love. Maybe you'll get hurt, maybe you'll be bullshitted, maybe you'll have your entire world up-ended and destroyed. Maybe nothing will work out right for you in the end. But if you love, truly and honestly and freely then you're braver than the people who hurt you. You're stronger than the people who take your love and toss it aside and you're better off for it. To know that you can love and feel love for someone else, even after being hurt. Then you've `````````````````````````felt something that you'll be better for in the long run. You'll know yourself better and understand that even if every time you love, you get hurt, you continue to give love a chance, that love is worth it.

So go love, love deeply, love honestly, love who you love, and love them with every shred of who you are. Every bit of your being. Know that if they fuck you over, if they hurt you, if they can't, don't, or won't love you back, then it's their loss. Not in that they've lost you, but that they lost out on feeling the most wonderful feeling they could have. So choose, choose love. Choose to be happy, choose to give your love. Choose to be open to the possibility of love and to be vulnerable. Give your love to those that you love, honestly and openly. DO it knowing that you're not foolish or stupid. Knowing that you'll be a better person even if it doesn't work out. Some people will never love you, maybe because they don't know how, maybe they can't choose to love, because of fear or because they don't know how. But if you have it in you to love then do it. Love fearlessly and altruistically. But most importantly LOVE!